| |
Back to Making Closetspace
Table of Contents
A Wish for Wings
Click-O-Rama
Day of Remembrance
DeviantART
Gallery
DreamJournal
LiveJournal
Photo Gallery
Production Blog
SFJenn
Wishworld
EMail
Links
Dolari.net
Material, HTML and text contained on pages originating from
DOLARI.NET and DOLARI.ORG are written by
Jenn Dolari. Copyright 1992-2008 Jennifer Dolari. All Rights Reserved. All other
materials are copyright by their respective owners.
|
|
This is a second draft of the
original 1996 rough draft. Most of the changes invovled more description per
panel, as Dov, who was slated to draw the series, needed more decription and
feeling to draw the characters. A few reaction scenes were added to pad
the story out, as well. Many of the Patriot Woman's lines were
redone to reinforce the fact that she was alone in this, and not part of a
larger organization. She was also made a bit more vicious, and a bit more
human. The first draft lacked a good ending, and one was tacked on here,
as well as an extention to the scene with Carrie in the bathroom. Changes from the
previous draft are in bolded italics.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Closet Space #2, Draft #2 - "Rocket's Red Flare"
(c)1993, 1996 Jennifer Dolari.
Original Story by Jennifer Dolari.
To be adapted by Dov Sherman with Jennifer Dolari.
Artwork by Dov Sherman.
PANEL 1 - CARRIE is waking up in bed, stretching and yawning. She has
noticeable beard stubble. A clock on the nightstand reads 9:00AM and a tune is
coming out of the radio. There are still unpacked boxes and bags about the
room.
PANEL 2 - ALLISON is walking down the hallway past Carrie's door with a basket
of laundry.
PANEL 3 - Just as Allison passes the door, Carrie opens it. Carrie is still
extremely groggy.
PANEL 4 - Allison talks to Carrie without actually turning towards her, Carrie
is opening the bathroom door, directly across from her bedroom.
ALLISON
Morning, Carrie! Got any
dirty clothes?
CARRIE
Grnslpht...
PANEL 5 - Allison turns around just as Carrie slams the bathroom door.
ALLISON
I'll take that as a yes.
PANEL 6 - Carrie is at the bathroom sink, groggy, turning spigots as the sink
fills with water.
ALLISON
(off screen)
If you make lunch, I'll
do your laundry. Deal?
CARRIE
Blsnpht...
PANEL 7 - Close up of Carrie's cheek with hand running down it. A terrible
"SHRIP" is audible as the hand mns across the beard stubble.
ALLISON
(off screen)
Great! Make something
spicy...you can cook
can't you?
PANEL 8 - Carrie looks into the mirror, realizing that she's been walking
around with beard stubble.
CARRIE
(whispering)
Oh, shit....
PANEL 9 - Carrie's POV as she looks down into the sink, there's soap and water, but
no razor blade.
CARRlE
(whispering)
and no razor, either...
PANEL 10 - Camera is on Carrie's eye as it peeks through the open crack of the
door.
PANEL 11 - Allison is gathering some clothes fmm Carrie's floor.
ALLISON
You'd think at least
she'd pick up some of her
clothes...yeesh...
PANEL 12 - Same as PANEL 10
CARRIE
Allison? Can you hand me
my razor, please?
PANEL 12A - Allison looks over to the cracked open bathroom door.
CARRIE
It should be in on the
boxes marked bathroom!
ALLISON
I wouldn't want to go
through anything private.
Why don't you come and
get it?
PANEL 12B - Carrie stands back from the door in shock and horror.
CARRIE
Erm...uh...no...uh...I
can't...I...uh...look
horrible!
PANEL 12C - Allison digs through one of the boxes.
ALLISON
Oh, alright. I think
I've got the right box
anyways.
PANEL 13 - Allison pulls the razor out of the box and makes a face, as Carrie
watches from the crack of the bathroom door.
ALLISON
No problem! I know that
horrible feeling of
stubbly legs. Yuck...
PANEL 14 - Allison gives the razor to Carrie's outstretched hand, sticking out
the bathroom door.
CARRIE
(through door)
Yeah.. stubbly...
(beat)
Thanks.
PANEL 15 - Allison goes back to picking up Carrie's clothes. Through the
window you can see a shadow sitting in the tree
ALLISON
I probably should take
better care of my legs, too...
PANEL 16 - Allison from above, through binocular lenses
ALLISON
(through
"electronic"
box)
...never know when you
might get a new love
interest, a date, or a
hot day.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(Off screen)
The traitor's insight...
PANEL 17 - The PATRIOT WOMAN in full camouflage perched up in a tree with
binoculars.
PATRIOT WOMAN
She'll pay for selling
the American people
out...
PANEL 18 - Patriot Woman takes off her binoculars and looks straight ahead, in
thought.
PATRIOT WQMAN
...and doing a great
injustice to the American
people.
PANEL 19 - She looks up into the sky seeing a black helicopter.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Great, the One Worid
Order Helicopters are
onto me!
PANEL 19A - The Patriot Woman jumps oft the branch with a rustle.
PANEL 19B - Allison looks through the window with a start at the rustling
sound.
PANEL 19C - Allison goes back to picking up clothes.
ALLISON
Hmph...Must've been a
bird....
PANEL 19D - Patriot Woman runs across the roofs of houses, looking back at the
helicopter.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(shouting)
You are with the United
Nations! Leave Now! You
have no authority here!
PANEL 20 - From the interior of the helicopter, a radio DJ is giving a traffic
report.
DJ
This is KZXY Eye in the
Sky reporting a traffic
jam at the 411 cut off at
282. It's backed up to
the Municipal Dam, watch
out if you're headed in
that area.
PANEL 21 - The DJ looks down through another window towards a heavily armed
figure running from rooftop to rooftop.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(Small letters
to denote FAR
OFF)
No Jurisdiction!
DJ
And if you're in the King
Buckley's district, be on
the lookout for a running
woman trouncing around
the rooftops of your
homes...up next on KZXY,
"Cooking with Charlie and
Nash!"
PANEL 22 - The DJ tums to the pilot, both with a laugh, and shields his
microphone.
DJ
(laughing)
That's the third time
this week!
PANEL 23 - Letters smack on a coffee table.. among them are a bill from the
IRS, several notes from her bank that look like NSF notices, credit card
cancellation notices and the like.
PANEL 24 - The Patriot Woman sits on a sofa in front of her coffee table,
frustrated and at her wits end. The room is decorated in American Flags,
copies of the Constitution, guns on the wall along with all sorts of war
memorabilia. There is a picture of Jimmy Carter on the wall with several
darts punctured in it, none in the center.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Bills, BILLS, BILLS!
PANEL 25 - She picks up one of the bills and reads.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(reading)
"According to our
records, you owe
$1,256.13 on your income
tax."
(beat)
You are an illegal
organization, created
above the law of the
Constitution.
PANEL 25A - The Patriot Woman carelessly throws the bill over her shoulder.
PATRIOT WOMAN
No money for you.
PANEL 26 - She picks up another, smaller bill.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(reads)
"Your account is
overdrawn by $125.98.
Please make a deposit as
soon as possible."
PANEL 26A - She puts down the bill and talks to herself.
PATRIOT WOMAN
I need to hurry up and
collect those liens I put
against Mr. Kavinsky
before they close my
account.
PANEL 26B - The Patriot Woman picks up a picture of a man dressed in Army
fatigues. She's very enamored of him
PATRIOT WOMAN
Phil, if there ever was a
time I needed you...
PANEL 26C - She takes the pictures, stands up and talks to it.
PATRIOT WOMAN
So much has gone from bad
to worse.
PANEL 26D - She walks over to her a map, marked with arrows and the like denoting
what look like troop movements.
PATRIOT WOMAN
And all I wanted to do was
make sure you had a
fitting eulogy...
(beat)
But that'll all have to
wait.
PANEL 27 - Allison looks into an empty kitchen.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(in an
isolated
box)
I've got a traitor to
exterminate.
ALLISON
No, lunch eh?
PANEL 28 - Carrie is getting dressed with Becky sitting across from her.
Becky is very worried, Carrie is concentrating on rolling up some thigh high
nylons. In the corner, near her bed is an umbrella holder, with an umbrella
whose handle is in the shape of a question mark.
BECKY
...and Dad hasn't said a
word about you since you
left. Mom's feeling
horrible too...she
misses you terribly.
PANEL 28A - Close up of Carrie, still rolling her nylons.
CARRIE
Well, I've tried to call
since yesterday...Dad
picks up the phone and as
soon as hears my voice,
he hangs up.
PANEL 29 - Carrie is looking down at her foot a she puts on some knee highs.
Allison has appeared in the doorway.
ALLISON
You two headed out?
CARRIE
Yeah, we're both headed
to a movie before my
vacation ends. Only a
few days left before I
go back to work.
PANEL 30 - The whole scene reverses, so that we can see the far wall. There is
a rather large oak dresser below the window.
ALLISON
So, what happened to
lunch?
CARRIE
Lunch?
ALLISON
In exchange for me doing
your laundry!
CARRIE
Ohhhhh...
PANEL 31 - Same as 30, but Allison's is a bit.. miffed... you can see the top
of someone's head staring though the window.
CARRIE
I wondered who got my
clothes.. .did you ask me
about lunch this morning?
ALLISON
Yes, right after you woke
up.
PANEL 32 - Same as 30, but there is no head in the window.
CARRlE
Ah, well...I'm hard to
wake up in the morning.
If you say anything to
me, I usually respond
with a muffled grunt.
PANEL 33A - Same as 32, but now you can see a hand tossing something toward the
window.
CARRIE
I'll make ya a deal.
I'll fix you the best
hamburgers this side of
the Mississippi. Whadaya
say?
PANEL 33 - Same as 30, but the window has broken and a rock with a note is
flying through. Everyone is trying to shield themselves from flying glass.
PANEL 34 - Becky reaches for the rock as Carrie and Allison go towards the
window.
PANEL 35 - Becky reads the note as Carrie and Allison look through the window.
BECKY
Guys, the note says
"duck."
PANEL 36 - Carrie and Allison look at Becky quizically.
CARRIE &
ALLISON
Duck?
PANEL 37 - Carrie and Allison look at each other horrified.
CARRIE &
ALLISON
DUCK!!!!
PANEL 38 - Carrie, Allison and Becky dive for cover as the back wall explodes
open.
PANEL 39 - From the next door neightbors house, TWO EXTREMELY OLD PEOPLE are
sitting across each other eating lunch. They look at each other. Through the
window a huge hole has been opened in the house next door, which we can see
Carrie, Allison and Becky lying in rubble deep in the back of the room. The
Patriot Woman is clung against the wall, trying not to be seen. Guns bristle
from all over her.
OLD WOMAN
Did you hear something go
boom, Chauncy?
CHAUNCY
Damn kids and their
music.
OLD WOMAN
Call the cops....
PANEL 40 - Dust is settling from the hole as the Patriot Woman enters, guns
drawn, Terminator style through the dust.
PATRIOT WOMAN
BY THE POWER INVESTED IN
ME BY THE CONSTITUTION OF
THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA I CONDEMN YOU ALL
TO DEATH!
PANEL 41 - The huge oak dresser has been pushed by the blast three quarters of
the way across the room, behind which is Becky, Carrie and Allison. The
Patriot Woman has her guns drawn, and the three girls are gently peeking over
the dresser.
CARRIE
Who's that?
ALLISON
Looks like someone I
interviewed for a
roomate...just before I
picked you.
PANEL 42 - Carrie looks over to Allison.
CARRIE
Should I have feared for
my life if you had
decided NOT to take me
in?
PANEL 43 - Pull back to reveal Becky frantically punching buttons on the
phone.
ALLISON
After I said no, she just
up and left...I didn't do
anything to piss her off!
(beat)
I think....
PANEL 44 - Becky is talking into the phone.
PHONE OPERATOR
(electronic
box)
Thank you for calling the
Metropolitan 911
Emergency phone system.
BECKY
Yes, we need assitance at
1395 Mulberry Street
immediately. Send a SWAT
team! SEND ANYONE!
PANEL 45 - Becky looks into the phone quizzically
PHONE
(electronic
box)
If you'd like
instructions in English,
press "1." Necesites
ayuda en Espanol, toce
"2." If you'd like to
press "3," press "5." To
repeat this menu, press
"#" followed by a "1," "2,"
and "7"
PANEL 46 - Becky and Allison are talking, while Carrie is looking at the
ground for a weapon.
ALLISON
Didja get through?
BECKY
I think it's going to be
a Iong time before we get
ANYTHING.
PANEL 47 - From behind Becky and Allison looking up at the Patriot Woman, the
Patriot Woman is shoving an M-16 down, pointed directly at Allison.
PANEL 48 - Allison, staring directly up at the Patriot Woman. With Carrie and
Becky off to the sides, in fear. Allison has a pissed off look on her face.
ALLISON
Scatter.
PANEL 49 - Carrie and Becky have puzzled looks on their faces.
CARRIE &
BECKY
Huh?
PANEL 50 - Same as 48
ALLISON
MOVE!
PANEL 51 - Becky flies up, still holding the phone
PANEL 51A - Carrie dives under her bed.
PANEL 52 - The Patriot woman shifts her view to Becky, who is in the middle of
a one handed somersault (the other hand has the phone, and she's got the
reciever wedged between her shoulder and ear).
PANEL 53 - Becky does a cartwheel, there are bullets appearing behind her.
PANEL 54 - Becky does a forward flip. The phone cord gets tighter.
PANEL 55 - Becky does a roll. The cord is even tighter.
PANEL 56 - Becky attempts a somersault, but her hand gets pulled from her as
the phone cord draws taut.
PANEL 57 - Becky stumbles to the floor, in the Patriot Woman's sight.
PANEL 58 - She pulls the trigger
PANEL 59 - The phone gets riddled with bullets
PANEL 60 - Allison uncharactersticly gets aggressive, venting her rage
directly to the Patriot Woman
ALLISON
STOP IT!
PANEL 61 - Allison goes around the dresser, as Becky is in the background,
frantically pushing buttons on the phone while trying to crawl under Carrie's
bed as Carrie motions to her.
ALLISON
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU
HAVE AGAINST ME....
PANEL 62 - Allison walks right up to the PAtriot Woman
ALLISON
BUT YOU HAVE IT
AGAINST ME!
PANEL 63 - She gets in the PAtriot Woman's face.
ALLISON
NOT MY FRIENDS!
PANEL 64 - She grabs the Patriots Woman lapels
ALLISON
NOT MY HOUSE!
PANEL 65 - Allison pulls the Patriot Woman's face closer
ALLISON
BUT ME!
PANEL 65 - The same, except that the PAtriot Woman's M-16 is pulled into shot
PATRIOT WOMAN
You forget who's the one
with the ammo.
PANEL 66 - Same
ALLISON
Well, at least before you
kill me, you can tell me
why.
PANEL 67 - The Patriot Woman shoves Allison onto Carrie's bed, forcing strained
looks from Becy and Carrie underneath.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Why? You never told me
why you sould out the
American public!
PANEL 68 - Underneath the bed, Carrie is reaching for the umbrella stand.
ALLISON
(off screen)
What?
PANEL 68A - From Allison's POV
PATRIOT WOMAN
Because you didn't pick
me as your roommate. And
by turning me away, you
turn away America.
PANEL 68B - Down the long barrell to Allison.
PATRIOT WOMAN
You're a subversive, like
all those people on
Capitol Hill.
PANEL 69 - Now from over the Patriot's shoulder down to Allison's position.
Allison is amused, but still somewhat concerned.
PATRlOT WOMAN
You didn't pick me,
because you're against
me. You're against
America as a great
nation.
PANEL 69A - The Patriot Woman holds her hand over her heart and imagines the
greatness of the US of A.
PATRIOT WOMAN
You're an agent of
the One Worid Order. You
will not have our
sovreignity as long as I
live.
PANEL 70 - From the barrel up to the PAtriot Woman who cocks her M-16 at
Allison
PATRIOT WOMAN
Because of your kind, my
husband is dead, my job
is lost, and I'm poor
beyond reason.
PANEL 71 - Allison notices the umbrella from ther umbrella stand is missing and
it's handle is sticking out from under the bed, where Carrie's hand is holding it.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Now, rebel scum, prepare
to die.
PANEL 72 - Allison looks up at the Patriot Woman, and desperately tries to buy
time.
ALLISON
WAIT! Please...before I
die...um...tell me how
your heroic husband met
his death.
PANEL 73 - The Patriot Woman looks away from her site, looking confused.
PANEL 74 - Same as 72
ALLISON
What was he like?
PANEL 75 - The PAtriot Woman looks "past" Allison, an image of her husband and
herself walking down a ghettoed neighborhood.
PATRlOT WOMAN
Phil? He was a lovely
man...always giving,
never taking. He was an
Army man, stationed in a
town where the base
wasn't in such a nice
spot.
PANEL 76 - Profile of the Patriot Woman with the gates of Merkling Air Force
Base in the background.
PATRIOT WOMAN
The base was in a
horrible spot in town, we
simply hated the
surroundings.. .the
people hated each
other...everything was
wrong. But he was so nice
to them.. .to me...
ALLISON
He sounds like my brother.
PANEL 77 - We face the Patriot Woman, where there are several gans teens
behind her shooting unmercifully past her.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Then one day, as we were
walking back to base, we
were held up...he GAVE
his money and shot him
anyway.
PANEL 78 - The Patriot Woman prays beside the tombstone of her husband. Allison
is plainly shocked at the story, and feeling pity for the woman.
PATRIOT WOMAN
If those damned Senators
hadn't put the base
there, he'd be alive
right now...but they knew
he'd be killed. It was
part of their plan for
the One World Order.
PANEL 78A - The Patriot Woman squats down, back against the wall crying...in the
background is apicture of her and her husband holding each other.
PATRIOT WOMAN
He put me on the same
level as his country...
and sometimes higher....
PANEL 79 - Allison has become part of the picture, she's listening intently to
the story. In the Background is a corporate building with a front door.
PATRIOT WOMAN
And then, to make matters
worse, the Japanese
bought our company.
Those damn bastards fired
nearly all of us and kept
only a skeleton crew
there.
PANEL 80 - Allison is now in a reasurring position, where she is holding the
Patriot Woman's shoulders. Tha background shows her at the front door, facing
out, loaded down with boxes.
PATRIOT WOMAN
The traitors in Congress
passed all their little
resolutions against me.
Against the common people.
aganist America. It's
their fault I'm where I
am now.
PANEL 81 - Allison is still in the reassuring position and sitting on the
bed with the Patriot Woman who is now crying.
PATRlOT WOMAN
It's all their fault..it's
all their fault....
PANEL 82 - Carrie turns to Becky under the bed
CARRIE
What a load of crap.
PANEL 83 - Allison Stands with the uncontrollably sobbing Patriot Woman
ALLISON
Come on, we'll go get you
some help. I'll get you
anything you need.
Anything that'll help...
PANEL 84 - Carrie attempts to trip the Patriot Woman with the umbrella.
PANEL 85 - Allison steps on the umbrella handle.
ALLISON
Carrie, no!
PANEL 86 - Allison looks at the PAtriot Woman who is sobbing.
ALLISON
She's had enough troubles
in her life for now...we
don't need to make it
worse.
PANEL 86A - Carrie gets mad from under the bed.
CARRIE
But she tried to kill us!
You want her to try
again?!
PANEL 86B - Allison looks lovingly down on the Patriot Woman, sobbing very heavily.
ALLISON
She won't. I knoww she won't.
PANEL 87 - Close up of the front door as Allison opens it
ALLISON
Don't worry, we'll have
everything worked out..
somehow.
PATRIOT WOMAN
You know... I'm really
sorry about all this..
there was just so much
going on and...
PANEL 88 - Pull back to reveal SWAT team members waiting on either side of the
door, ready to pounce.
PATRIOT WOMAN
Maybe I just needed
someone who could listen
...someone to understand.
PANEL 89 - A SWAT member pounces on the Patriot Woman as Allison screams
ALLISON
(screaming)
NO!
PANEL 90 - The Swat member drags the Patriot Woman off to an awaiting SWAT
Van. Sh'es kicking and screaming the whole way through.
PATRIOT WOMAN
(screaming)
YOU BITCH! I KNEW I
COULDN'T TRUST YOU! I'LL
SEND YOU AND ALL YOUR
COMMIE FRIENDS TO HELL
BEFORE MY LIFE IS DONE!
PANEL 91 - A SWAT seargant walks up to a teary Allison, who is shocked that
the woman was taken away.
ALLISON
Why?
SWAT SEARGANT
Music Police, ma'am...we
had a report that music
was being played too
loudly in this house.
PANEL 93 - Allison watches as the Patriot Woman screams bloody murder from the SWAT
van.
SWAT SEARGANT
Once we saw the
explosions and smoke, we
realized we had something
bigger on our hands....
PANEL 92 - Allison takes a slip of paper the SWAT Seargant gives her without
flinching, she's still got a vacant shocked look on her face.
SWAT SEARGANT
Luckily, the Music Police
is equipped to handle
these kind of situations.
(beat)
If you could sign this
noise pollution ticket,
ma'am.
PANEL 93 - Allison absentmindedly hands the paper back to the SWAT seargant,
still in shock.
ALLISON
I...wanted...to...help
her...
PANEL 94 - Allison, all alone in the garden as the SWAT Seargant walks away.
ALLISON
(to herself)
She..needed..a friend...
PANEL 95 - Carrie surveys the damage to her room and the huge hole in her back
wall.
PANEL 96 - Becky joins her.
BECKY
You know, you couldn't
have picked a better
roommate. Maybe next
time you'll get one that
can make friends with
Adolf Hitler.
PANEL 97 - Facade of Allison's house at night
CARRIE
So why the sudden
compassion for the
nutcase?
PANEL 98 - Allison and Carrie are sitting down at the dinner table with the best
hamburgers this side of the Mississippi.
ALLISON
She was no nutcase...she
needed a friend, that's
all.
PANEL 99 - Allison looks down at her food.
ALLISON
And it's hard to lost a
loved one like that. For
me, it wasn't nearly as
violent...but I lost my
brother just the same.
PANEL 100 - Carrie looks at Allison, worried about her friend.
CARRIE
How?
ALLISON
I needed to move on with
my life...in a direction
no one agreed with. I
lost my entire family
that day.
PANEL 101 - Carrie and Allison sit alone in their respective places at the table.
END |
|
|
|
|
|
|
